


I Wasn't Meant To Walk This World Without You

by Sxymami0909



Series: Stydia Season 4 Canon Tags [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Anger, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Lydia, Emotional Stiles, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Just a lot of freaking emotions, Lydia Martin & Stiles Stilinski Friendship, Sarcastic Stiles, Sassy Lydia, Scott is a Good Friend, Stiles tries to fix things, lake house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-20
Updated: 2014-07-20
Packaged: 2018-02-09 16:31:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1989897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sxymami0909/pseuds/Sxymami0909
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tag to episode 4.04 'The Benefactor': The parties over and Lydia is left to pick up the pieces, inside the house and inside herself (Title from ‘Maybe’ by Kelly Clarkson, guys this freaking song…)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wasn't Meant To Walk This World Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Request: from Anonymous on Tumblr: Can you do a ff with stydia and include the line, "I don't want to care but I do."?

Lydia shifted the garbage bag in her hand and reached for yet another red cup littering the living room floor. She tossed it in the bag and then reached up and brushed her hair out of her face and behind her ear. It was just about midnight and the party had finally broken up a half hour ago.

Kira had run off to find Scott and Liam so she could tell their resident alpha about the dead pool list and Stiles was probably off somewhere with Malia yet again scratching up the basement floor. Lydia sighed closing her eyes briefly before letting them flutter open and reaching for another cup. The lake house was a mess and if she didn’t make sure it was spotless by the open house tomorrow morning, she’d never hear the end of it and rightfully so.

She shook her head reaching for a bowl of chips and tossing the food in the bag before dragging it across the room and picking up another set of cups. She couldn’t believe Liam had texted his friends and they just showed up. Who did that? Freshmen, that’s who did that. Lydia let out a disgusted noise as she lifted up a half empty cup and tossed it in the bag. “Ridiculous,” she mumbled.

Her chest was tight with anxiety, her head full of questions about the room upstairs and the dead pool list, and her heart…her heart was full of pain. _Allison_. The name kept reverberating through her head no matter how much she tried to push it aside and forget the voices that spoke to her. She swallowed heavily and did her best to focus on getting all of the garbage out of the living room. Who the hell used a fire place as a garbage? “Ugh freshmen,” she mumbled while tossing more garbage into the bag. Lydia was pretty sure the night couldn’t possibly get any worse.

The sound of the door opening and footsteps approaching had her holding in a sigh, but when she heard the person’s voice, Lydia tensed.

“Hey, what are you doing in here?” Stiles called out when he spotted Lydia, bag in hand bending over one of the chairs. He glanced around, noticed the mess, and winced. He knew she was probably still pissed about him taking off and leaving her with a house full of freshmen, but at the time he hadn’t had a choice. The moon was rising and Malia had needed his help.

Lydia straightened up and glanced over her shoulder, throwing a mild glare in his direction, “You’re not a stupid person Stiles, what does it look like I’m doing?” She asked a hint of annoyance in her voice as she looked away from him and continued moving around the room collecting garbage.

Stiles heard the annoyance in her voice and he frowned. He let out a sigh and walked across the living room closing the distance between them. “Look, I know you’re pissed about the party, but we didn’t have a choice. They showed up and Scott had to deal with Liam and I needed to help Malia. Having a party was really the only option,” he explained knowing she knew that.

Lydia rolled her eyes, “You think I’m angry about the party?” She asked arching an eyebrow in his direction before grabbing another few cups and then shaking her head. Sure, that was part of it, but really it was so much more and it had been building for weeks. Then the party, the house going up for sale, and the voices in her head screaming Allison…it was all just getting to be too much.

Stiles wasn’t sure why she was upset, but she definitely seemed angry with him. He rubbed the back of his neck as he watched her moving around the living room, “Honestly Lydia, I have no idea why you’re angry with me,” he told her as he walked over and gripped the garbage bag gently. “I thought things were okay with us,” he added as he studied her though she wouldn’t meet his gaze. “When I came over last week to return your notebook and we talked, I thought,” he paused, “I don’t know.” He mumbled.

Lydia’s chest tightened at his words and she finally sent him a sideways glance as she tugged the bag away from him. “I don’t need help,” she said pointedly. “And things are fine Stiles; I’d just rather you all head home so I can clean up this mess. So why don’t you take your girlfriend and head back to town, tell Scott the same thing.” She responded walking away from him.

Stiles watched her moving towards the kitchen and he slid his hands in his pockets and pursed his lips together, “Are you angry with me because of Malia?” the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He saw Lydia freeze and he regretted the words immediately. They were stupid, but he’d been wondering for a while now if maybe Lydia was intentionally distancing herself from the group because she wasn’t exactly crazy about the newest member of the pack. Not that Stiles didn’t understand, he did.

Allison had only been gone just over two months and it was very possible with everything going on Lydia felt like they were trying to replace her in the group and that wasn’t the case at all. He wanted to make sure she knew that so she’d stop avoiding them because they missed her… _He_ missed her.

Lydia turned around slowly until she was facing Stiles. Her eyes turning to slits as she glared in his direction. “Contrary to popular belief Stiles not everything is about your girlfriend,” she snapped as she dropped the bag and took a step closer to him, “And why exactly would I be angry about her anyway? Do you really think with everything going on that I have nothing better to do with my time then think about your little coyote?” She asked the anger clear in her voice. Lydia was hurting, she was feeling alone and neglected and she was tired of always brushing everything off.

Stiles’ brows lifted at the anger he heard in her voice. “No-I—Lydia that’s not what I meant,” he let out a frustrated sigh, “Maybe if you still talked to me I’d know what the hell was going on,” he replied a hint of irritation in his voice. He understood that things had been strained between them lately and he hated it, but he’d tried to fix things on several occasions and at this point he was just at a loss. He didn’t know what he’d done to piss her off, but it bothered him a lot more than it probably should.

“When exactly would you like me to do that? You’re never around Stiles!” The words traveled across the room loudly, “You think stopping by a couple of times and hanging out for a few hours is going to fix months of you not bothering to be there when I needed you?” She demanded. She was so focused on Stiles and he on her that neither of them noticed Scott making his way through the front door with Kira, Malia, and Liam in tow.

Stiles opened and closed his mouth, “Lydia…I was there. I was with you and Scott for days, weeks even and then you shut down. _You_ were the one who withdrew from us.” He yelled back.

“Yea and you didn’t bother coming after me! You just let me go. You didn’t ask if I was okay or what was wrong. Instead you buried yourself in other things.” She told him harshly. “Do you know how many times Scott came by to check on me? To make sure I was okay to see if there was anything he could do even though he was hurting as bad as I was? Where the hell were you?” Her voice was raw and she could feel the burning sensation in her eyes, but she ignored it.

Stiles’ chest tightened, “I told you, I thought you didn’t want to be around me Lydia, God…I thought after everything that happened with the Nogitsune…after Aiden and Allison,” his throat constricted, “I thought you needed space. If I had known you needed me I would have been there, you know I would have,” he said trying to convey the truth in his words.

Scott watched them and he felt his heart clenched. This confrontation had been a while in the making. He knew Lydia didn’t like Malia and he was pretty sure the were-coyote wasn’t exactly Lydia’s biggest fan, but they tolerated each other for Stiles. But he’d known for a while that at some point this would happen. He’d smelled it on her for months, her grief, the pain and loneliness and beneath it all the jealousy.

Kira slid her hand down Scott’s arm until her small hand closed over his threading their fingers together as she kept her eyes on Lydia and Stiles. They both looked upset and angry and she hated that all of this was happening in the midst of so much upheaval. But she also hoped that maybe this would open both of their eyes and they’d be able to fix whatever was happening with them.

Malia stood beside Liam just starring her gaze boring into the two figures in the other room a feeling of anxiety settling in the pit of her stomach.

The sound of Lydia’s voice broke the silence in the room. “No, I never wanted space from you Stiles, but you’d have no way of knowing that,” she shook her head and lifted her hand brushing at her eyes, “Look, just go. I need to clean this place up or my mom is going to kill me.” She started to turn back towards the garbage bag when Stiles spoke.

“No, we need to fix this Lydia, I’m sorry I wasn’t here, I am. But you aren’t the only person dealing with stuff. You aren’t the only one missing people. I’ve had a lot going on too and you haven’t been there either.” He told her, his chest tight.

Lydia whipped around, “Because you don’t need me! You’ve made it perfectly clear that you have someone whose there for you. I tried being there and you brushed me off.”

Stiles frowned as realization crossed his face, “It is about her then, you are angry with me because of Malia. What do you want me to say?” He asked a hint of surprise filling his face. He had thought she was angry at him because Malia was taking Allison’s place, but it seemed like he was off and maybe it was just her presence in their lives and how it affected his and Lydia’s connection that was bothering her. “I care about her, but that doesn’t mean I care about you less. So why are you so upset why do you keep pushing me away?”

Lydia shook her head, “Because you should have been here. You should have been with me. You’re always there…and now you’re not.” She said finally.

Stiles winced at the broken sound of her voice and he took a step forward reaching out to her, “Lydia--”

Lydia stepped back and held up a hand. “I don’t want to care…but I do.” She told him the words barely above a whisper, “I’m tired of being alone, of dealing with everything alone. I know everyone has problems, but here’s the difference between me and all of you. I know exactly what’s going on in everyone’s lives. I know that Scott is struggling with his Dad being home and his mom working more night shifts because they need money,” she swallowed hard.

“I know Kira’s parents wanted to move her back to New York and how she’s been struggling to define things with Scott until recently. I know you’re dealing with money issues and Eichen House stuff, but does anyone know what I’ve been dealing with? Do you know that I barely sleep at night, that I miss Allison so much sometimes I can’t breathe? That apparently my mother can’t keep track of our money and so we’re completely broke and this house is up for sale as of today and if it’s not in perfect condition we’re going to lose money from the sale? And now apparently I’m on some kind of supernatural hit list for powers I don’t even know how to use!” She asked a tear slipping down her cheek. “No, no one knows any of that, because no one bothers to ask.” She responded before letting out a shaky breath.

“Lydia why didn’t you tell us,” Scott’s voice cut through the room, his expression was filled with pain, “I’ve asked…and you’ve always said everything was okay.”

Lydia blinked and glanced towards the door finally realizing they had an audience. She wiped her face quickly and shifted on her feet suddenly feeling embarrassed and way too exposed for her liking. It was once thing letting Stiles and Scott see past the mask and maybe even Kira, but Malia and Liam? Absolutely not. “I didn’t hear you guys come in,” she said avoiding Scott’s question.

Stiles just stood there quietly, not moving. She was right. He hadn’t known any of that outside of the fact that she hadn’t been sleeping well and was feeling more lonely than usual. The question was why hadn’t he known? So much had been happening lately and Stiles had just been trying to stay afloat and deal with his own demons that never seemed to leave him.

“Lydia--” Scott’s words were cut off by Stiles.

“Scott, can you do me a favor and take the jeep back to town and drop Malia off?” He asked not facing his best friend.

Scott glanced at Stiles confusion on his face. “Uh…I guess?”

Malia frowned as she stepped away from the doorway and walked over to Stiles. “Tonight’s a full moon,” she told him, “I thought I was coming home with you,” she said a hint of hurt in her voice.

Stiles closed his eyes briefly before turning to face his girlfriend. It seemed like lately no matter what he did he was upsetting someone. He placed his hands on Malia’s shoulders, “The worst has passed. You’re going to be fine the rest of the night, I promise. I need to be here right now, okay?” He asked gently.

“No, you don’t,” Lydia said crossing her arms over her chest. “You guys need to head back to town and tell the sheriff about the dead pool so that you can figure out what’s going on and who is behind it. Don’t waste your time staying here; I can get this mess cleaned myself.” She said matter-of-factly.

Malia glanced at Lydia and then back at Stiles, “She doesn’t even want you here, I don’t sleep as well without your body heat.” She told him.

Stiles ignored Lydia’s words and kept his gaze on Malia as she spoke. He pursed his lips. “I’m really sorry, I promise I will see you tomorrow though, I just,” he paused lowering his voice, “We talked about how important it was for us to be there for the people we care about. I need you to let me do this okay?” He said studying her face.

Scott glanced over at Kira and then Liam who was keeping his head down as he shuffled his feet. He rested a hesitant hand on Liam’s back patting it lightly. “Guys, I’ve really got to get Liam and Kira home.” He said lightly.

Malia sighed, “Yeah, okay. Being there for friends is a good quality. I’ll go with Scott I guess…unless maybe I can stay too?” She asked hopefully.

Stiles shook his head, “I need to talk to Lydia alone.”

“You really don’t,” Lydia mumbled as she turned back towards the garbage and started picking things up again.

Malia squeezed Stiles’ arm gently before shifting back and glancing at Scott. “Okay, we can go.”

Scott nodded and glanced from Lydia to Stiles. He held his best friend’s gaze for a minute before tugging on Kira’s hand gently and leading her out of the lake house with Liam and Malia in tow.

Stiles watched as they left, not looking away until the door was shut tightly behind them. He hesitated before pushing himself forward and walking passed Lydia into the kitchen to grab another garbage bag.

Lydia listened as he shook out the garbage bag and when he came back into the living room she finally spoke. “You don’t need to do that,” she told him quietly.

“I know,” he replied even as he bent down to pick up some garbage. He glanced around the floor and shook his head. This was why she’d been worried about the scratches in the basement and on the floor earlier with Liam. His chest tightened, at the time he’d rolled his eyes and brushed it off as Lydia being Lydia. Stiles should have remembered that she hadn’t been _that_ girl in years. God, he hated himself a little for being so distant and for not realizing more was going on. There was a time when he would have known without her telling him. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair with his free hand.

Lydia heard his sigh as she picked up the last cup and tossed it in the bag silently before twisting the top and tying the bag closed. “Things look okay in here. I’ll have to mop, but I want to pick everything up on all the other rooms first,” she said quietly.

Stiles nodded, “If we split up and take different rooms I’m sure we’ll have everything up in no time. We’ve been lucky so far, I haven’t seen any big spills.” He offered hoping that information would at least ease her mind on the house front.

“Yea, that’s good,” she was silent for a minute. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Lydia told him holding in a sigh.

Stiles shook his head. “Don’t be. You were right.” He said with a shrug not making eye contact with her. “Things have been different lately Lyds and…a lot of that is my fault."

Guilt tugged at Lydia’s chest at the look on his face. “It’s not,” she replied quietly, “At least not just your fault. You’re right I have been keeping my distance. I’ve been avoiding you. I guess,” she pressed her lips together and shifted back so she could sit on the couch, “I guess I’m not used to not having you around…you’ve always just been there and I’m starting to realize that I took that for granted.” She replied not looking at him, but instead keeping her gaze on her hands.

Stiles wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. “Lydia, I’m still here.” He offered.

She shook her head, “You are, but you’re not and that’s okay. You have someone in your life now, someone important.” Saying the words made her chest constrict. “You really should head back home Stiles. I can handle this. It’s fine.”

Stiles frowned. He could see the tension in her body, the glassiness of her eyes. Lydia was nowhere near fine, but the fact that she was trying to say she was and give him an out broke his heart. She genuinely thought he felt like there were more important things than being there with her when she needed him.

He put the garbage bag down and walked over to her, crouching down in front of her, hesitantly resting a hand over hers. “Lydia I’m going to clear something up right now that I thought I made clear when I took you to the place my mom used to take me when I was younger. Something I thought I made clear when we were having our movie night, and then again when I returned your notebook the night Derek was over.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“No matter who I am with or what’s going on, You, Scott, my dad…the three of you will always be my priority. I’ve been an asshole lately. I’ve been handling things poorly, but not just with you. But I promise you Lydia I’m here and we’re going to figure this all out. We’ll get through this rough patch and things will eventually go back to normal. It all just takes…time.” He explained knowing deep down she knew that.

Lydia lifted her hand and brushed away the tear before it could slip down her cheek. “I know, you keep saying that,” she responded quietly, “But the problem is…I don’t see it. I don’t see you wanting to be here and I don’t feel as close to you and…well I’ve gotten used to this friendship.” She said not even sure that was the right word. She missed what they used to share, that connection that was unique to them.

Stiles let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I do too. I miss it and I want to get it back, but you’ve got to help me out Lydia.” He squeezed her hand gently, “You’ve got to start talking to me again and you’ve got to stop avoiding me. I can’t know that something is bothering you if you’re never in my immediate vicinity,” he replied softly.

Lydia nodded, “I know, I’m sorry,” but it was difficult for her. She didn’t like seeing Stiles with Malia and she didn’t always like the person he was when he was with her, but Stiles had never distanced himself with her when she was seeing someone, not that she had done the whole boyfriend thing really since Jackson. But still.

Stiles gave her half a smile. “It’s okay,” he offered, “Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way come help me clean the kitchen. I know it’ll take longer that way, but it’ll give us a chance to catch up. You can tell me what’s going on with the house and you and I’ll tell you how my dad keeps comparing Derek to Batman,” he said with a grin.

Lydia couldn’t help the chuckle that left her throat, “Batman? Really? Sometimes I wonder about your dad.” She admitted as she took Stiles’ offered hand and let him pull her up.

He smirked, “Yeah, me too, but he’s been handling things pretty well. So, that’s something at least. He’s been asking about you, I think he misses you.” He offered.

Lydia smiled brightly at that information, “I miss your dad too.” She told him honestly, “He’s always been really kind to me.” She said as they walked to the kitchen, the heat from Stiles’ hand pressing into her back relaxing her in ways it probably shouldn’t.

Stiles nodded, “My dad loves you Lydia, we all do.” He responded quietly as he dropped his hand and moved to grab another garbage bag from the counter.

Lydia stood in front of the counter and watched him. “I love all of you too.” She said the words quietly her eyes boring into his back.

Stiles paused in his movements and inhaled deeply. He was pretty sure Lydia had never expression her love for anyone in the group before outside of probably Allison. He swallowed hard and glanced over his shoulder meeting her gaze. They stared at each other for several minutes before he sent her half a smile. “Come on, let’s get this place cleaned up,” he said as he angled is body and held out a hand to her.

Lydia didn’t hesitate, she stepped forward and took his hand, curling her fingers around his and letting him tug her forward. “So, any idea how to get wine stains out of a white carpet?” She asked with an arched eyebrow.

Stiles smirked as he grabbed the garbage bag in his free hand, “I don’t, but I bet Google does, come on, show me where the stain is and we’ll start there.” He told her as he let Lydia tug him towards the stairs, glad that most of the tension seemed to be gone from her body. Maybe this time things would be different and Lydia would finally understand that no matter what he’d be there because regardless of who he was with, he’d never care about anyone the way he cared about her.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on **[Tumblr](http://reportergirl13.tumblr.com/)** and I am currently taking Teen Wolf requests through my ask box. :)


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